We decided to take a couple months off since we were in the middle of moving from Augusta to Dalton, and start back after we had each started our new jobs. Looking back, this move was so orchestrated by God. Only he could work out our house selling when it wasn’t even on the market, provide us both jobs and get the winning bid on our dream house in the country! I remember such Joy in my heart. I already started picturing the nursery in my head for the upstairs bedroom the second I walked into the house. (Pink and lace for a girl, Cowboy western theme for a boy). Also, HE knew the great pain we would be facing down the road and Thank God we were surrounded by our families- both just 10 minutes down the road.
We started back trying March 2013 and negative pregnancy tests again. Falling into the same pattern, I went to my new OB doctor here in Dalton and explained our situation to him in tears. I told him- please help us have our baby. I feel like we have been trying for so long! He told me he didn’t like making his patients cry and gave me a big hug and tissues. Then he said that he wanted to run some tests to check my hormone levels, thyroid etc, and to see if I have been ovulating. Also, he said he wanted to do a sperm count to make sure Chase’s numbers were good. In the back of my mind, I was prepared for the doctor to say- Taylor, your ovaries have cysts, or you are not ovulating regularly, or even Chase’s sperm count could be a little higher.- so quit wearing tight underwear and stay out of hot tubs. We were prepared for each scenario…I thought. Well, on July 17th, Dr. C had us both come in to explain the results of testing- and to get to the root of the problem. Thank goodness! I was ready to get this show on the road and finally solve the problem as to why we were not getting pregnant. I didn’t think we could “relax” anymore. Put me on some clomid and lets do the deed then I’ll do some hand-stands! In the office, Dr. C proceeds to look at us with a very concerned look and he says, “ Chase, your sperm specimen came back zero million.” Immediately, I started fighting back tears. I felt like I hit a brick wall going 90mph. Chase tried to make the situation more upbeat and says “ Well they’re measured in million so I must have some right?” :) Maybe there was an error in the test? I remember I had to go back to work that afternoon. Most of my makeup had been smeared off from crying and being in shock in the doctors office. So embarrassing. I thought- fertility treatments are so expensive and who has that kind of money? Adoption- oh that scares me! Driving home from work that night I remember crying so hard I could not see the road.
We were prepared for every scenario- except this one. Azoospermia- zero sperm. I kept thinking Lord you know the desires of my heart, and children are a blessing from you- WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?? But, over and over again, the phrase GOD IS FAITHFUL kept resounding in our hearts. Trust in God is the firm foundation under everything that makes life living Hebrews 11:1. We both had to mourn the idea of our beautiful blonde haired toe headed children. I know that sounds funny but it is true. I had the cutest little picture of my husband as a toddler hanging up in my dining room- with his little swimmies on.. such pain that caused each time I would walk by that picture- knowing that the man I love may never be able to father our children. Faced with many decisions, we got referred to a fertility doctor in Chattanooga to seek answers to many of our questions- and to find out the cause of the azoospermia. Maybe Chase had some in there somewhere that we could find through surgery? Look at this little cookie face!
We went to the fertility specialist in Chattanooga August 2013 and had more tests run on us. They did some blood work on Taylor, and found out she was in perfect health for having babies. I had another sperm count done, and still nothing, zilch, nada. So I’m thinking, “Aright I have a blockage, or a hormone imbalance or something”. Dr. M said my testosterone levels could be low or my LH hormone could be off. So we had some hormone tests and blood test done to figure those out. The test came back that my testosterone was fine, actually it was high and my LH was low. We had to wait a few weeks for the chromosomal tests results.
I was working in the yard one day and Dr. M called me on my cell phone. He basically told me I would be unable to conceive a child naturally because of an extra chromosome. He told me, I have a condition known as Klinefelter Syndrome (KS). In other words, most males have chromosomes 46xy, but mine are 47xxy. I’m not going to teach a genetics class, but apparently of all the recorded cases of men with KS were unable to conceive a child naturally.
At first, the news didn’t hit me, that I wouldn’t be able to father a child of my own DNA. Honestly, I was saddened by the news, but I knew there were other ways to have a child. Taylor on the other hand was devastated. She wanted a child of our own, one of hers and my DNA. I mentioned the use of a sperm donor. She shot that down pretty quick. She said, “if its not your child I don’t want it.” After some time of watching her and listening to stories from her mom about how Taylor was destined to be a mother, it finally sank in. I began to realize, that I would not be able to provide the woman I love with the one thing she has been dreaming about since she was a little girl. Once I realized that, I was angry, angry with God and myself. I would ask God why He brought Taylor and I together, knowing that I couldn’t conceive a child, and knowing that’s what Taylor wants most of all. I felt like I had let Taylor down completely.
We went to see Dr. M one day. We asked him if there was any way for us to conceive a child of our own DNA. Dr. M stated “the only way was to go in surgically and remove the semen (if there was any) and implant it in Taylor through IVF. But there is a high risk that your child would have the full symptoms of KS. The pregnancy would be a very high risk pregnancy.” We were devastated by the news. Taylor and I went home and prayed about it for a while and we decided that that was not the procedure for us. So again, I mentioned the use of a sperm donor. Taylor was a little warmer to the idea of a sperm donor. We both wanted to experience to pregnancy and the birth of our child.
(Taylor) We decided to start seeing a Christian counselor to help us process this new information, and to help us feel good about our decisions that we needed to make regarding our family. Chase was very open to the idea of counseling. Walking in, I could tell he was very nervous having to “share his feelings”- but I remember he talked more than I did that first session! It was hard for me to get some words in. HA! Counseling truly helped us as a couple effectively communicate better, and it helped me as Chase’s wife to understand more from his perspective- and the pain he was bearing not being able to give me his child. As a couple, we decided sperm donation was the way we wanted to go. I could experience pregnancy and Chase could be there to feel our little life kick and move to his voice inside me. Hey, it wasn’t going to be his seed in the womb, but he was the guy who would be tending to the tree- and we were fine with that. Also, at that time, I just couldn’t see myself loving a child and truly bonding with a child that was adopted as compared to one of my own flesh and blood. And selfishly, I wanted my child to…just… be from me. I wanted to be that fit preggo mom who still took spin classes a week before she was due, to breast feed, wear cute maternity clothes and post the cute gender reveal pics.
Sperm donation…way over simplified, is like online shopping. Once you choose your company you can basically pay for any information about the donor you want- childhood photos, extensive medical history, family history, occupation.. etc.. only you cant see their name or a adult photo. Picking our donor wasn’t that hard. When I saw a picture of a blonde haired little boy standing by a tree wearing camo.. I knew he was the one. I secretly prayed Chase would like him and want to pick him as well. Well.. he was Chase’s favorite too! Three vials purchased (at $700 a pop I might add) and overnighted to our fertility clinic. How excited we were to get the chance to have our baby! The plan was to implant the sperm through intrauterine insemination. A tiny catheter would be placed into my uterus to deliver the specimen once thawed. I spent August and September having tests run and blood work procedures done to get ready for the IUI with donor sperm. FDA is very strict when it comes to using sperm donors- both with the donor and the donor receiver.
October 2013 was our first month to try the procedure. The doctor did not want to start me on any fertility meds for the first month since he said I haven’t had a chance to become pregnant before and did not know how my body would respond. He told me to track my ovulation through the ovulation predictor kit and when I got a positive reading to come in for the IUI. If any of you ladies have used the fancy -smancy clearblue digital test (you know the most expensive one??)- then know you have about two days of blinkey smileys before you get your solid smiley. Well, after EIGHT STRAIGHT DAYS of blinkey smileys I was getting very fed up. Something was wrong. Did I miss ovulation? I called my doctor’s office and he said to come in for a vaginal ultrasound to see what is going on. The ultrasound and bloodwork confirmed I missed ovulation. Missed. Our. Chance…. On Halloween as matter of fact. Devastated. I rode home from the doctors office thinking.. okay Lord really? We spent Dec 2011-summerish 2013 trying to have a baby on our own. Turns out Chase can’t father our children. And you let me miss our first opportunity? Can you cut us a break here? All my doctor could say was, “ Well its obvious those OPKs don’t work on you. We will just have to monitor your ovulation through ultrasounds to ensure perfect timing.
November 2013 second cycle. Two ultrasounds to ensure the correct day for the IUI. My sweet sister went with me for the IUI procedure. She sweetly sat in the corner texting my mom with updates. My cervix was tilted so the procedure was very unpleasant for me. But hey, at that point I thought I would endure anything to have our baby! Officially in the two week wait YAY! That wait was SUPER long!. Negative pregnancy test. My heart couldn’t take any more breaks. I felt like my heart had been in the repair shop way too much and didn’t think it could be glued back together too much more. We decided to take December off. We just needed a breather for many reasons. Christmas this past year just felt.. different for me. Its supposed to be this wonderful holiday surrounded by all your family- lots of laughter and joy. Instead, for me, all I could think about was this giant childless hole in my heart.
January 2014- attempt #3 for the IUI procedure. The doctor prescribed me some fertility meds to ensure good ovulation. He told me to try the OPKS again and call with a positive result. Day 14 of my cycle, still no positive. I did not want to miss another chance so I called their office. They told me to keep trying and come in three days if I still didn’t get a positive. Well.. you guessed it.. still no positive. Can you guess what the ultrasound and stat bloodwork confirmed?? Yes, sadly, I had missed our window of opportunity again. Frustrated, devastated, emotionally and financially drained. I came home and told Chase... “I don’t think I can do this again”. Literally.. my body felt heavy. I described the weird sensation to Chase-picturing myself going back to Chattanooga for fertility tx was like me lying down with tons and tons of sandbag weights and trying to get up. I just couldn’t get back up. We agreed to pray and seek guidance from the Lord for clarity on if we should try fertility one more time or pursue adoption. We asked our family to pray as well.
Over these last couple of months, God has been preparing my heart on adoption. See, Chase was open to that initially when we found out his diagnosis. In fact, when we were dating, he said he would love to try to adopt at least one of our children. I was nowhere near where God wanted me to be. Our prayer was that if sperm donation wasn’t supposed to be for us, then it wouldn’t work out. Guess what? It didn’t work. Also, if I had not experienced the failed IUI attempt and missed attempts, my heart would not be in a place for God to breathe into my heart and whisper “ Your child I have handpicked for you is out there, YOU are going to be a great adoptive mama.” Boy or girl white or purple. We truly believe God will provide for us. Through this WHOLE journey, he has never taken away my desire to be a mother. He has molded us, refined and grown our marriage and forced us through things – but I would like to say through it all- There is joy in the journey. God revealed to me the title of our story “ The Gift of Infertility” one day two weeks ago when I was blow drying my hair of all things. We had planned on starting the adoption application process by attending an informational meeting at the end of this month. Well...
Last week I got call about a potential baby.. The lady on the phone excitedly tells me " We have a BABY with no parents. COULD THIS BE OUR BABY THAT WE HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOR??!! I raced to call my husband and tell him the news. My heart was just a thumping and my eyes swollen. I contacted an adoptive attorney in Chattanooga. I think I slept about 4 hours that night even with taking two advil PMs! I know Chase didn't get to sleep until 5am- we were super pumped about this exciting opportunity! Well, long story short that baby wasn't meAnt to be ours. We were crushed and our hearts were ready to love this child. But can I just say WOW??!!!! God just proved to me and my husband through this roller coaster scenario that he is BIGGER than anything we could ever imagine. We refuse to quit. We refuse to be bitter. We are continuing to trust in his faithfulness.
Gen 50: 20a “You intended to harm me but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done” I know there is going to be a wonderful gift given to us as a result of our infertility journey.. in fact, there has been many “gifts” along the way and we are thankful for those.
So... We ask you to commit to praying for Chase and I to continue seeking the Lord and trusting in him- through this crazy wonderful journey. Also, we are asking for financial assistance to help make our adoption possible. We are starting the process of private adoption through an agency in Chattanooga, TN. The cost to adopt domestically will be 20,000.00 This is a very large sum and can be overwhelming if we dwell on it for too long. But, we know GOD IS FAITHFUL and we are trusting he is going to provide us with our gift. Below you will find a link to our paypal account set up for our adoption fund.
Love you all and thanks for your prayers!